****************************************** T E C H S U P P O R T T A L E S # 11 ****************************************** Sir, can you hang on while I take out my earring? YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE THE STORIES THAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ....BUT THEY ARE ALL TRUE!* It will never cease to amaze me how silly and befuddled some people get with their computers. Every day thousands of people turn on their computers (or try to) and come across a problem which they think they understand. The results of their actions can be amusing and often hilarious. And let's not forget the boneheaded Techs we all have to endure from time to time. *** WELCOME *** to issue #11 of TECH SUPPORT TALES - the publication which proves that stupidity breeds humor. This issue of Tech Support Tales has been sent to 2,564 email subscribers around the globe by me at my Macintosh. ***************************** Before we start this issue, I have a personal experience I'd like to share. This happened at a computer retail store in Jacksonville, FL. Since I don't want to name names, I'll just say, the store's name rhymes with COMPUTER pity-in the CITY of Jacksonville. I was shopping for a small 600 dpi Postscript laser printer. I looked at an Apple LaserWriter 4/600 and an HP LaserJet. Both look like they'll do the job, but I want to see a few test prints. A salesperson comes up to offer their assistance. Computer Pity SALESPERSON: Can I help you? ME: Yes, I'd like to see a few plain paper printouts from each of these two laser printers. Computer Pity SALESPERSON: We can't do that. These printers aren't hooked up to any computers. ME: OK, can I instead see the sample printouts that each printer generates? Computer Pity SALESPERSON: I'm sorry, but we have no electricity over here in this part of the store. But here, let me show you another printer that prints just like those. We walk to another area of the store and the salesperson looks around at various inkjet printers, spots one with a sample print in the tray, grabs it and says, "Here." Me: (silent at first, jaw drops.) But this is an inkjet printout. Computer Pity SALESPERSON: Um, yes..it prints just like those other printers. Me: No it doesn't. And this is a COLOR inkjet printout! (I hand the sample back, say thanks and immediately head for the store's exit.) Computer Pity SALESPERSON: Is there a problem? Did I say something wrong? ____________________________________________________________ * I M P O R T A N T W A R N I N G * THIS IS OF UTMOST IMPORTANCE!!!!! READ NOW!!!!!!! DEADLY VIRUS FOUND!!!!! A New computer virus has been causing computers to burst into flames. This was just released on the Internet. Major computer companies, and Technicians, are warning people to scan daily, and keep a fire extinguisher within easy reach of all computers. According to the report, this new virus was first discovered in mid-March, 1996. It took at least a week to determine the cause. As far as what has actually been reported, over 700 computers have suddenly burst into flames, and there have been well over 100 businesses and homes destroyed, in the USA alone. Details are sketchy, but the virus, attacks the power handling sections of the computer, sends the circuitry into overload mode, and builds up such tremendous heat that the fans can not transfer the heat out of the computer fast enough. Thus, the computer eventually bursts into flames. What is even worse, there is some sort of code written into the viral data, that actually transforms itself into a deadly deadly gas. The computer burns in such a way, that the lead in the solder, used in the manufacture of the circuit boards, is released into the air in a gaseous form. Anyone breathing the smoke from this fire, will die within 10 seconds of exposure. Many have already died from exposure to these gasses. The number of deaths have not yet been tabulated, according to reporters. What is even more puzzling, is the source. No one, has yet been able to come up with any source. In fact, all computer professionals are completely puzzled. The F.B.I. and the Bureau of Tobacco, Alcohol, and Firearms are furiously trying to locate the source of this deadly virus, and hundreds of computer programmers, worldwide, are working on containing the code, programmed into this virus. So far, no one has been able to come up with any explanation, and it has been difficult to isolate, since anyone working to solve this mystery, must work in a completely fireproof room, and wear a completely air tight and fireproof suit, connected to a source of oxygen. Once this virus enters your computer, there is no way to stop it. If the virus begins attacking the circuitry, it is often too late to contain the fire. Even shutting the computer off, will not stop the heating, since the heat, combined with molten silicon, inside of certain components, will actually self-generate electrical charges, thus continuing to heat the components, and finally causing the sudden fire. This is the worse virus, ever known to affect computers. Updates will be released, as soon as further information is available. BE SAFE, AND BEWARE!!!!! ____________________________________________________________ ----Is Windows a virus ?---- No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do: * They replicate quickly * Okay, Windows does that * Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so * okay, Windows does that * Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk * Okay, Windows does that, too * Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems * Sigh... Windows does that, too * Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware * Yup, that's with Windows, too Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature So, Windows is *not* a virus ____________________________________________________________ ----------------------------------- ON THE MORONOMETER, THESE GO TO 11 ----------------------------------- I sold an external Apple CD drive along with an Iomega Zip to a customer who was fairly new at computers. She was going to connect both external SCSI devices to her desktop Mac. I made sure that she would have the proper SCSI cables for these two devices. I tried to describe the process over the phone before she received the hardware, but I realized that it is difficult to picture how to create the SCSI daisy chain. I waited until her hardware arrived and I called to see if she was having any difficulty getting them connected. She said "No, everything is fine. My husband just went out to the local computer store to buy a Daisy Chain." And after he returned: "Salesman said they only have the PC version available right now but would be happy to special order a Mac version." ____________________________________________________________ In my house, my parents want me to put a sticker on the phone when I'm online. So, one day, right after I get off, the phone rings. From her bedroom, my mom asks, "Are you still online?" ____________________________________________________________ I am a tech at a company that brings in outside techs to do printer repair. While a tech was recently working on one of our laser's he told me about a recent trip to AT&T. The tech went out to fix a drum printer that was jammed in a large open office with no dividers. The printer was in the center of the office surrounded by desks. The tech opened up the case and started looking between the rollers for what was causing the jam. While he was giving it the once over he noticed a small blue thread. Pulling on the thread he found it attached to a blue string. Pulling on the string and turning the rollers by hand he found it was attached to a small blue patch of lace. Pulling it all the way out he passed it to the office manager who then held it up and said, "Will the owner of this G-String please claim it." After a minute or two of laughter the manager announced his intention to mount it on a plaque. ____________________________________________________________ One of our techs got a call from the archetypal clueless customer - no matter how detailed her explanation was, it just wasn't detailed enough for this guy. Every time she asked him to open or close a file, she had to describe the process. After 40 minutes (half of which was spent describing how to use the Mac operating system), she decided to just give up and let someone else step up to bat. "I'm going to refer this to a senior technician," she said. "He'll be calling you right back." "But that won't work," the customer protested. "There's a three-hour time difference, and I won't be here in three hours." Later, when she was telling this story to the rest of us, someone suggested that she should have responded: "Oh, but he already called you three hours ago - the call should be coming through any minute now!" ____________________________________________________________ A very irate customer called the Apple support line for problem demanding on site service. It was an obvious software problem. When I explained how to fix the problem he started yelling and screaming at me: Don't you tell me this is a software problem!!! I've been using Macs for over 15 years and I know what I'm talking about. (Macs came out in '84. This call was in '94.) ____________________________________________________________ Customer: I just purchased a PowerMac 8500/120 and an external gigabyte drive. Can I put all my files, programs, and folders on the external drive? Me: Certainly. You can keep anything you want on the external drive. Customer: Good, because I don't want to keep anything on the internal hard drive. Me: Why not? Customer: I don't really know, it just looks better that way. Me: Don't you feel like you're wasting a gigabyte drive by doing that? Customer: Hmmm. You have a point there. I never thought of that. ____________________________________________________________ It works fine until I take the CD out of the machine and then I can't get it to run. Does the CD have to be in the machine????? ____________________________________________________________ First a little background.... I manage the tech support dept. at a company which develops Childrens' software, mostly of the educational variety. I also do many of the calls. Before the holidays, I returned the phone call of a gentleman. His wife answered the phone and I introduced myself and indicated that I was returning their call about the software they had purchased for their children. I was told that I would have to call back when her husband was home as she was unable to help, having no familiarity with the family computer. cust: Can you call Saturday morning? TS: No problem.... what time would be good to call? cust: Between 11 and 1 is fine. TS: And what time zone are you located in? cust: Oh, any time between 11 and 1. TS: Yes ma'am, and you are in what time zone? cust: I told you, in the morning..... TS: Ma'am, I understand that, but are you in the Eastern, Mountain, Central or Pacific time zone??? cust: I'm in Texas. TS: What time is it right now? cust: 2:00 ____________________________________________________________ Just before 9am, I received a call from a man who had purchased a HP 310 printer from us to go with his PowerBook 5300. All I knew at the beginning of the conversation is that he had a powerbook of some kind and the 310... He had called because he was concerned with the warnings he had read about installing the printer, and could I talk him through. I said sure... So the first thing I asked him to do was to restart his Mac and hold down the "shift" key, until he sees, "Welcome to Macintosh...Extensions off". After the second time of the message failing to say, "Extensions off", I said, "Sir, are you holding down the key that says 'shift' on it, (I had mentioned 'shift' several dozen times by now)...His reply was, "No, I'm holding down the long one in the middle... the space bar". After two more tries, we finally got the extensions off, so I asked him what disks had come with his printer. I figured out which he needed to insert, and asked him to insert it in his disk drive. "Where would I find that," he wanted to know. "OK, sir, what kind of PowerBook do you have?" "Its a 310." "Sir, that's your printer, what kind of PowerBook do you have?" "Its a 530." (at this point I gave up this questioning simply assuming he meant one of the 500 series) "Ok, the drive would be on the right hand side" "There's no place on the 310 that this disk seems to fit" "Sir, that's because you need to insert the disk in your Mac." "Oh, which way does it go?" "OK, the label faces upward and the metal shutter goes in first" (It took several minutes to get the disk in right and everything, but I'll spare you the details.) While it was installing, I figured I'd try to find out again what kind of Mac he had. It turns out he has a 5300, not a 530. "Sir, when you bought this, did they tell you that you would need to get a software update from HP before this printer would work with your computer?" "Yes" "Did you?" "No" It was downhill from there.